The Cool Kids

ByWhat I really admire about my mother-in-law was from the time my husband was a little boy she would set up play dates with some kids that were, well, "misfits".

I've heard stories of several moms she befriended that maybe were single or struggling or had kids that were always included in what the popular kids were doing. My husband is affable enough to socialize with anyone.  I imagine that this trait was evident or honed early on.

This made me think of how generous a spirit my mother-in-law has but also the implications of what opportunities and friendship like these can strengthen the fibers of community and build in some protection against the isolation for families that have children with social differences.

Four days after Sandy Hook, I think I'm going to try to build into my parenting some of the lessons of my mother-in-law and try to pull into the circle of friendship kids and families that may not have it so easy.  My daughter is small and socializing at her age is relatively easy. 

Maybe a student in your own child's class or neighborhood is exhibiting some early concerns.  Is is safer to avoid a "bad influence" or wade into a connection that could have a profound impact?

As a therapist, I believe that you can extend a hand and develop a relationship that may benefit both your child and another.

 Get close enough to ask.

Email is an easy way to take a safe social risk.  Whether it's inviting a kid to a birthday party or a ballgame; you can think of a way to include a family that would have some type of structure so that your children could get to know each other if they don't already.

Ask a parent "Tell me about Sonia?"  Many parents are dying to tell you about challenges they face and behaviors that are hard to handle.  I often discuss in generality a behavior that my husband and I had/have a hard time with in parenting.  Sharing reminds everyone that we are human and learning from our children.

Know some community resources.  Is there a nearby mentor program and YMCA.  Many enrichment activities in the community are not expensive or have scholarships.  Non-profits continually indicate that community residents often aren't aware of the services that are offered by their agencies.

Have a mental health provider that you can call to answer general questions or recommend referrals.  It's 2012.  If you have a plumber or dog walker in your phone contacts, you should have the name of or be friendly with a shrink of some type.  If not, try the school social worker.

I likely won't make much headway on assault weapon ban legislation in the future, but I can make a difference in the life of a child and so can we all.

Staying with the emotion

Now is the time to look around and realize with an unwavering certainty the blessing that surround you.  Without self-pity, but aware of struggles- take a minute to breathe in and breathe out low and slow.

Say to yourself  "Calm....peace.....calm....peace...." and then smile.  Think of one thing that absolutely makes you laugh and then let go of some of the unnecessary troubles that have jumped on your back since you woke up.

Today's gift.....I will look for ten miracles and write them down!

What does this have to do with anxiety?  You have told yourself for so long that everything is negative, that things suck and can't possible be better.
The brain retraining starts the minute you shift just a little bit to accept that the sun is shining in the sky and the universe supports you!  Have a great day!

Just Say OM

I have to thank Dr Scott Terry of the Ardent Center for introducing me to Transcendental Mediation.
When we first started working together it was his suggestion that I learn to meditate.  I had already done some Buddist and Mindful meditation practices and liked it.

Transcendental Mediation turned out to be much different and I took to it right away.  Although I have only been practicing it for 5 months, I feel that it has given me a new way to approach dealing with anxiety.

For anxious people, sitting down and meditation can be a very scary place.  Some meditations instruct to think of nothing or to label your thoughts as they come and go.

What I really like about TM (as we call it) is that you get some help and guidance through the process.  You are assigned an meditation instructor and you go through the program step-by-step.

Chicago is a great place to lean TM there is a great community of people who meditate and meet together.  there is a real sense of calm and peace that comes from meditation as well as some creative energy that gets flowing.   Please understand that not every meditation is stars and fireworks, but it has been a learning process of growth and awareness that I look forward to everyday.  Do you have time to do it 20 minutes twice a day?  Will think of all of the time you spend with anxiety.  Wouldn't it be nice to develop with a tool that can richness and meaning to your day?

You now there is a cost right?  That is one of the controversies of TM.  There is a one time flat fee and some reduction for families and children learning.  Scholarships based on need are available.  The idea is that they don't want someone not to learn TM just because money is tight.

If you think you would like to learn some practice of meditation you can look at www.freemediation.com for some different types of mediation practices.

Relax into it!  The neatest thing about mediation is that there is no right way to to it.  So play with it and enjoy!  Your body will thank you for it.

Setting sail.............

A client came to me around the middle of March of this year, complaining of  panic and nausea.  She reports having an idea that something awful was about to happen, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
This impending sense of doom is known as General Anxiety Disorder, one of the most crafty of Anxiety Disorders.

She have a history of some depression and anxiety, but this had reached epic proportions in no time.  All day her body was pumping out cortisol like she was being tracked by a black bear, even while  just sitting at her desk working.

Alcohol had become a companion as of late.  She found that more nights than not she would finish a bottle of wine after dinner. She have a five year old son and a very cool hubby and  did not want to suck them into the sad vortex of her symptoms.


1.  Consider AA.  Now this will not work for people who do not qualify.
  If you have ever had problems with heavy drinking, binge drinking or drugs. You might want to check it out.  A terrific blog to read about women and alcoholism is www.onecraftymother.com

2. Get a therapist.    Try Insight based psychotherapy or Internal Family Systems work. 

3.  Complete the assessment at www.calmclinic.  Rachel Ramos has got a good program going and her philosophy of healing anxiety is the one I will be mostly adhering to in this blog.

So, start your powerful engines.  You can do it.  Healing your pain is possible and everything you need is inside you!

Recession-Proof Your Relationship

Research, survey, and anecdotal evidence all point to financial concerns being a top ranked stressor for relationships. Among married and co-cohabitating couples, money bests sex, as the most frequent topic of disagreements.

In these shaky financial times, one or both partners may be experiencing employment instability. Although employed, being subjected to a chronic threat of lay-off, or termination can exact a heavy toll on one's psychological well-being. This chronic state of fear in one's employment bleeds into all realms and may have a profound impact on a primary relationship.

The homeostasis of a relationships balance may have undergo shifts in tough financial. An example being one partner needing to work another job or additional shifts if the other has been laid off or cannot find work. Couples usually dig in to make sacrifices for each other, but the emotional life of the relationship often needs to be honestly examined.

Belt-tightening doesn't innately feel good for most of us. We become used to small indulgences that are often the first to go in tough economic times. Having dinner with your partner on Saturday may be a key part of the positive maintenance a couple needs to slow down and connect. Most couples tend to their relationships with date nights, presents and vacations. Scaling them back may impact a couple in negative ways that are not immediately apparent.

When couples enter therapy, they may not cite financial problems as a main point of difficulty. However, if is seems that very often arguments and communication problems keep circling back to the checkbook, I'll focus on three central steps that have shown effectiveness for most couples.


1. Examine how each of your parent's dealt with money.
Since we are a product of how we where raised, it is important to examine how each partner's parent hard wired their "money-feelings". Pinpoint WHO handled the money in the household, WHEN did you learn about spending and saving and what that meant to you, HOW was money discussed by your parents, WHAT thoughts are attached to having and using money in your most formative experiences (first teen jobs, allowances, etc).


2. Establish new traditions and rituals that don't cost a thing.
Dinners, nice bottles of wine and roses are often the typical tools of courtship and romance. In the new economy these luxuries are often the first to go (and by mutual agreement). Hopefully you and your signifcant other have not uncorked your last Bordeaux together, but your relationship may be enhanced by practicing some rituals of romance that do not have a price tag attached. Brainstorm together activities but commit to suprising one another with "free" love tokens. Notes, emails, coupons for favors all count for relationship booster shots and serve as streghtening our connection during trying financial times.
Relationship traditions can be simple or elaborate. It can be feeding the seagulls at the beach, eating a Sunday evening leftover pinic on a blanket in the living room or volunteering in a soup kitchen Christmas Eve Day. These are your special traditions to create and carry on. Be imaginative and do something that reflects that interests and personality of your relationship.

3. Engage in physical activity with partner at least 30 minutes twice a week.
Every couple I have worked with that has done this experiment for a month has reported improvement in communication and relationship satisfaction. The experience of engaging in activities together and having a shared opportunity of lifting serotonin levels together is a great way to hardwire a visceral connection between a couple. Anything counts: walking the dog, playing Wii, or free-style dancing on Saturday morning. The important thing is to do something together and for a sustained amount of time. Do it for 30 minutes twice a week and you'll be suprised by the results.