Research, survey, and anecdotal evidence all point to financial concerns being a top ranked stressor for relationships. Among married and co-cohabitating couples, money bests sex, as the most frequent topic of disagreements.
In these shaky financial times, one or both partners may be experiencing employment instability. Although employed, being subjected to a chronic threat of lay-off, or termination can exact a heavy toll on one's psychological well-being. This chronic state of fear in one's employment bleeds into all realms and may have a profound impact on a primary relationship.
The homeostasis of a relationships balance may have undergo shifts in tough financial. An example being one partner needing to work another job or additional shifts if the other has been laid off or cannot find work. Couples usually dig in to make sacrifices for each other, but the emotional life of the relationship often needs to be honestly examined.
Belt-tightening doesn't innately feel good for most of us. We become used to small indulgences that are often the first to go in tough economic times. Having dinner with your partner on Saturday may be a key part of the positive maintenance a couple needs to slow down and connect. Most couples tend to their relationships with date nights, presents and vacations. Scaling them back may impact a couple in negative ways that are not immediately apparent.
When couples enter therapy, they may not cite financial problems as a main point of difficulty. However, if is seems that very often arguments and communication problems keep circling back to the checkbook, I'll focus on three central steps that have shown effectiveness for most couples.
1. Examine how each of your parent's dealt with money.
Since we are a product of how we where raised, it is important to examine how each partner's parent hard wired their "money-feelings". Pinpoint WHO handled the money in the household, WHEN did you learn about spending and saving and what that meant to you, HOW was money discussed by your parents, WHAT thoughts are attached to having and using money in your most formative experiences (first teen jobs, allowances, etc).
2. Establish new traditions and rituals that don't cost a thing.
Dinners, nice bottles of wine and roses are often the typical tools of courtship and romance. In the new economy these luxuries are often the first to go (and by mutual agreement). Hopefully you and your signifcant other have not uncorked your last Bordeaux together, but your relationship may be enhanced by practicing some rituals of romance that do not have a price tag attached. Brainstorm together activities but commit to suprising one another with "free" love tokens. Notes, emails, coupons for favors all count for relationship booster shots and serve as streghtening our connection during trying financial times.
Relationship traditions can be simple or elaborate. It can be feeding the seagulls at the beach, eating a Sunday evening leftover pinic on a blanket in the living room or volunteering in a soup kitchen Christmas Eve Day. These are your special traditions to create and carry on. Be imaginative and do something that reflects that interests and personality of your relationship.
3. Engage in physical activity with partner at least 30 minutes twice a week.
Every couple I have worked with that has done this experiment for a month has reported improvement in communication and relationship satisfaction. The experience of engaging in activities together and having a shared opportunity of lifting serotonin levels together is a great way to hardwire a visceral connection between a couple. Anything counts: walking the dog, playing Wii, or free-style dancing on Saturday morning. The important thing is to do something together and for a sustained amount of time. Do it for 30 minutes twice a week and you'll be suprised by the results.
In these shaky financial times, one or both partners may be experiencing employment instability. Although employed, being subjected to a chronic threat of lay-off, or termination can exact a heavy toll on one's psychological well-being. This chronic state of fear in one's employment bleeds into all realms and may have a profound impact on a primary relationship.
The homeostasis of a relationships balance may have undergo shifts in tough financial. An example being one partner needing to work another job or additional shifts if the other has been laid off or cannot find work. Couples usually dig in to make sacrifices for each other, but the emotional life of the relationship often needs to be honestly examined.
Belt-tightening doesn't innately feel good for most of us. We become used to small indulgences that are often the first to go in tough economic times. Having dinner with your partner on Saturday may be a key part of the positive maintenance a couple needs to slow down and connect. Most couples tend to their relationships with date nights, presents and vacations. Scaling them back may impact a couple in negative ways that are not immediately apparent.
When couples enter therapy, they may not cite financial problems as a main point of difficulty. However, if is seems that very often arguments and communication problems keep circling back to the checkbook, I'll focus on three central steps that have shown effectiveness for most couples.
1. Examine how each of your parent's dealt with money.
Since we are a product of how we where raised, it is important to examine how each partner's parent hard wired their "money-feelings". Pinpoint WHO handled the money in the household, WHEN did you learn about spending and saving and what that meant to you, HOW was money discussed by your parents, WHAT thoughts are attached to having and using money in your most formative experiences (first teen jobs, allowances, etc).
2. Establish new traditions and rituals that don't cost a thing.
Dinners, nice bottles of wine and roses are often the typical tools of courtship and romance. In the new economy these luxuries are often the first to go (and by mutual agreement). Hopefully you and your signifcant other have not uncorked your last Bordeaux together, but your relationship may be enhanced by practicing some rituals of romance that do not have a price tag attached. Brainstorm together activities but commit to suprising one another with "free" love tokens. Notes, emails, coupons for favors all count for relationship booster shots and serve as streghtening our connection during trying financial times.
Relationship traditions can be simple or elaborate. It can be feeding the seagulls at the beach, eating a Sunday evening leftover pinic on a blanket in the living room or volunteering in a soup kitchen Christmas Eve Day. These are your special traditions to create and carry on. Be imaginative and do something that reflects that interests and personality of your relationship.
3. Engage in physical activity with partner at least 30 minutes twice a week.
Every couple I have worked with that has done this experiment for a month has reported improvement in communication and relationship satisfaction. The experience of engaging in activities together and having a shared opportunity of lifting serotonin levels together is a great way to hardwire a visceral connection between a couple. Anything counts: walking the dog, playing Wii, or free-style dancing on Saturday morning. The important thing is to do something together and for a sustained amount of time. Do it for 30 minutes twice a week and you'll be suprised by the results.
